Pillars
by Luxsword
Summary: Said from the perspective of a very different Gary clone. The lone wander invades vault 108 and finds something strange. How will Gary deal with a new life in the wasteland and with a sociopath lone wanderer? M for later chapters. This contains slight m/m stuff. Be warned and enjoy. I have begun to update these chapters. They are updated using Hemingway Editor.
1. Different

**Pillars**

 **Chapter 1**

 **Different Nature**

I'm not sure when I realized it but for a long time I've known I happen to be different. My so called older brothers, I'm not sure if that's a good word, because they all look like me, all sound like me. The only differences are they are all crazy and I'm not their age. I don't know when I came about I can't remember that far but for some reason I'm not the same age as they are.

Everyday they stalk the halls of this old vault whispering 'Gary' at the shadows. I don't understand it. I'm not sure they do either. Every now and then the others stop and look down at me like I don't belong. Or like they aren't sure about me.

At this moment in time, I'm not sure of myself either. They are violent, no one that came in went back out. Sometimes they took their frustrations out on each other and even myself. But they never killed anyone that shared our face.

Then one day, this day, it all changes.

Today our ritual of wandering the halls is broken by gunfire. I should have fought with them, could have fought beside them. But I didn't want to die like them. I kept my head down. This intruder, I showed him no reason to end my life as he did my brothers.

It's a strange moment for us both. He looks at me like my brothers do. Unsure. He passes me by after a moment of silence. The breath I withheld dispersed in a swift exhale and I sat down holding my head.

He came back after a time and I had to will my lungs to keep working. I stare at his boots, black, with a fresh coat of blood. The same kind of blood flowing through my body, covered this man. Slowly I shift my gaze upward, more of the same shiny crimson.

One of them got a hit in, the stranger's head has a gash that wasn't there before. Under his half destroyed greaser haircut, a wound released a waterfall of his own blood.

I don't know why, but he sat in front of me on the floor. Then, hands me a roll of gauze and clips. I had to stare at the items for a moment. I still don't know why I react the way I do.

He sighs and reaches for the items but I pull them away. It was clear, this stranger wants my help bandaging his head. I bite my lip, and unroll the gauze.

I can't stop myself. I'm helping someone who came into my home and killed my so called family.

"Can you say anything besides your name?" He asks me. He was speaking an actual sentence. One I could understand, but I cant copy.

All I can do is shake my head. I feel pathetic. I have this awareness but no way to convey it to someone else.

"If you aren't crazy like they are, why are you still here?" He then asks.

It's a valid question. One I ask myself many times. All I do is shrug and shift my gaze away for a moment before finishing the wrap and clipping it tight.

Being here is, was safe. They kept me safe with their anger. With their clouded minds I was able to live.

"I'm sorry." He kept his eyes on me as I worked. "I guess you will be alone now." He said as if offering his condolences for something he didn't do.

The word 'alone' hit me deep in the gut. I dropped my hands in my lap looking at them sadly. I think he saw it, the sadness and fear that crossed my face.

He looks away when I look toward his face, and stands up. I don't know why I reached out and grabbed his pant leg. I'm sure he does, because he smiles softly at me and extends his hand to me. I stood and without a word but a small smile gracing his face he turns to leave. He doesn't stop me from following, so I do.

My first time seeing daylight. It hurt. So many years spent in the dimly lit halls of my vault took its toll. I think I whined a little at the pain because the stranger put a pair of glasses on my face that had dark lenses. It still hurt but I was able to ease my eyes open and see the outside. The world was large, barren, just as dead as my family I was leaving behind.

"Come on, there's more to see." I hadn't noticed him walk away but he had stopped to wait for me. And I quickly caught up.

It is amazing all the things left behind. The overseer's room said there was nothing left. I wondered if anyone knew it was still there, or if my brothers had killed them all before they could find out.

~-,-~

We journed for a few days. It was rough, he barely took any breaks almost as if he didn't need to. I wish I could talk to him but I know the only thing that will come out of my mouth is 'Gary'. There were times it seemed he wanted to talk to me too but he never spoke past the odd glance in my direction. I suppose he already knew what my responses would be just as much as I did.

His only words to me were direction. When to hide, when to run, which way to go when we were under attack. I dont even know what his name is yet. Three days and he's still a stranger. I also began to wonder where he was taking me. How long before the silence between us got to him and he just left me somewhere. Alone.

The word became more reality when I heard the broadcasts from his Pip-boy. But I now had a few names or titles for him instead of intruder, stranger, and the darker: murderer. But now I knew him as 'That crazy vault kid from 101' or 'The lone wanderer' that's when it hit me. There are reasons people are given certain names just how I was named Gary after who we all were. He was alone. How often I wondered. When would he keep to his namesake and decide to be alone again.

I'm not sure if he read my mind, during the evening but when we slowed to eat, "My name is Blake." He spit out. I looked around for a moment before my eyes rested on him in the dim light of the fire. He had been watching me too. "Do you like the name Gary?" He then asked as if the name was irritating to him.

I looked down then back to meet his gaze and shrugged. I wouldn't know if I liked the name or not its the only name I've ever heard. It was said on a daily basis and the only thing communicated to each other throughout all the years I existed.

"Why don't you choose a new name?" All I could do was look at him. I didn't know any other names but his now. I don't even know if I could say that. He took a bite of something on a stick "How about Ted?" I scrunch my nose at it, he laughs "Gorge?" I thought and shook my head. "Trent" I raised a brow and he went on. "Paul, Brandon, Mark, Frank…" I let out a chuckle, and he did too. " So I guess its just Gary huh?" He asks me with a sigh. I dont know why it feels embarrassing but I feel stupid and nod.

It isn't long before we are moving again. "Hey Gary, how old are you?" He asks and I have to hold up fingers. "Eighteen." He confirms and I nod. "I'm only nineteen, I guess we have that in common." I didn't know what to do so I just continue to listen to him while watching him. I was unsure why he became so talkative. Maybe the thought I would suddenly be able to communicate with him if he spoke enough.

~-,-~

The journey he led us on, brought us to the gates of a settlement. I could see people I had never seen. After years of the same face, it was a nice change. I tapped his shoulder "Gary?" I asked pointing to the bomb settled in the center of the town.

He looked at me a moment realizing that was the first time I've spoke since he invaded my vault. Then he answered me. "It's a deactivated nuke."

We walked toward it but then away at the bottom of the steep decline of the bank. He stood at a door and he tells me to wait outside. I was curious but I didn't want to give him any reason to want to ditch me, so I stay put outside. I don't know how long I waited but he came back out and motioned for me to follow. The walkways were trying and confusing, up and down, left and right, zigzags. All metal so it was hard to tell where one began and the other ended, or even which way they were going. Keeping up was hard for me, I wanted to see everything and everyone.

Before I knew it we were at a large building on the backside of the crater. "Gaaary?" I asked a bit worried, pointing at the sign.

He turns grabs my hand and pulls me inside "Don't worry about it. This will be fun!" He exclaims. It was like he changed into a different person. No longer sullen and sharp, but carefree and youthful.

I cough at my first breath of the atmosphere in the room. Only one of my brothers smelled like this, but not to this degree. Smoke, and noise hit me like I ran into a wall but Blake kept pulling me in. I caught the edge of a sticky counter and look around.

The noise is loud, Blake is also yelling at me but I couldn't hear him that well.

"GARY?" I ask as loud as I can over the noise and all he does is laugh.

He leans over the counter and spoke to a man that was wrong looking. His skin was burnt, and his eyes are clouded, and he had no nose or hair. Whatever Blake said to him caused the man to nod and gave him two glasses filled halfway with dark brown water. I looked at it suspiciously when he hands me the glass. But he just drank it as fast as he could. I smelled it and it smelled gross. I cringed. Blake grinned widely at me and guided it to my mouth urging me to drink it. I grimaced but took his lead and drank it like he did. It was gross. I coughed, the taste took my breath away but made my stomach rather warm.

I look at him with a disgusted face and he held up a hand. Took my glass and had the man fill it and his backup. He hands it to me again and looks at me, gesturing to watch him. I did, he made it look easy. Drinking whatever this stuff was was not easy at all.

After a third glass, I felt warm all over. My face felt as though it could burn holes in things, and I couldn't stand well. My vision was also questionable. Everything looks as though I'm looking through the bottom of a glass. Standing became a chore, the sticky counter kept me steady. When Blake tries to hand me another glass I refuse but he, in all his grinning stupor, forced it down my throat.

I feel sick, I don't know what to do at this point. I turn to leave, stumbling my way back to the door. Pushing the door open the cool air from outside brushes my face and felt too nice. Blake followed me out and shoved, pushing me forward, I wasn't prepared and fell to my hands and knees. All he did was laugh and fall beside me on the walkway.

"This was fun, I don't have anyone my age to hang out with. Thanks man." He says lying on his back and tapping me in the side.

All I can do is nod but that makes me feel even worse "Gary." I offer as a you're welcome.

He bursts into laughter. His cheeks are bright red. I could only imagine mine were like that and he sighs "Hey, Say 'Gary" all creepy like the others did." He looks at me with wide and glassy brown eyes.

I look back my eyes the same but a question mark attached. He rolls his eyes and sits up, and pats my shoulder. "You know like 'Gaaarrrryyy?'" He explains.

This time I roll my eyes yeah it was pretty creepy the way they said that. It was usually when someone broke into the vault. So I humor him "Gaaaaaaarrrrrryyyyy" I say trying my best to mimic them and what he was asking me to.

His laughter booms out of him and he falls at me. "That was fucking creepy man." He says, making me laugh as well.

Blake asks me to repeat it several more time before we somehow stumbled back to the door he made me wait outside of. I bide my lip as he let's me go and puts his hand on the knob. I wait as I did earlier and he turns around "What are you doing come on." He motions for me to follow. And I do.


	2. Trying to fit in

**Pillars**

 **Chapter 2**

 **Trying to fit in**

I don't remember much after we went inside. All I am aware of is that now it is morning. My head feels like it's being pounded on, and I a didn't get far at all. I find myself at the bottom of the stairs next to a bookcase, looking at the ceiling.

Blake didn't seem to fare much better, or at least some better. He is leaning against a locker near the door. I sit up and look around and come to a conclusion. I am never doing that again. I groan from the pounding in my head and stand up using the back of a couch.

Carefully I walk to Blake and sit next to him. Then I poke him. "Garrrry?" I said quietly. The memory of last night creeping back and made me snicker. Blake grunts and shrugs at me "Go away Butch" He grumbles out. I have no idea what that is. So I poke him again and say it louder "Gaaaarrrrrryyyy?"

What I didn't expect was the fist that came at my face. I guess I shouldn't have said it the way I did. He must have thought he was in vault 108 again, because he was half asleep and sitting on my, chest punching me. And now to add to my pounding head, my nose was bleeding, might have also be broken. Its clear I can't protect myself properly.

"Gary!" I cry out . I'm glad I don't completely sound like the others because I think he heard it.

He stops, he is breathing heavily and staring at me. My cheek feels cut, I can taste blood, and I can't breath with his weight on my chest.

Blake moves back quickly and I take a deep breath and stay laying there. Everything was swimming, and I think I started to cry because everything was blurry.

"Gary?" He asks as if he's scared that I wouldn't answer.

I raise my hand to my face and whine when I touch the spots that feel swollen. Before I knew it Blake had me in a hug. It was rather painful too. He was crushing me against him.

"Gary, I'm so sorry…" He said looking at my damaged face.

I swallow hard and push him away, to get some air. "Gary." I whisper out.

He was shaking and when I glanced at his face he looks away. "I didn't mean to. Please, I'm sorry." He asks for forgiveness, as if I would get up and walk out the door.

I understand that he was half asleep, I understand that it was all my fault. I nod and smile the best I can, I hiss from a split spot on my lip. He looks back at me and touches my face and I wince. He still looks upset but more of the fact that I'm hurt, than the fact that he hurt me. It was an odd look disconnected in a way

"Lets get you fixed up." He said standing and offering me a hand.

His hand had blood on it. This time it was my own instead of my brothers. I took it, albeit slowly. Letting him haul me to my feet, he holds onto my hand and pulls me up the stairs to a small medical station.

Blake set me in a nearby chair and opens the medical box. Removing various items, including a curved needle and suture thread. I slightly gasp and groan at the sight. I don't know what the damage was but if he needed to sew my face somewhere, I can imagine it must be bad.

"Gar-rry?" I wine, cringing, hoping he didn't need it. That illusion iss broken when he began to thread the needle and set it aside to grab other things.

He looks serious as he prepares the items and then looks at me when I whine, watching me retreat into the chair. "Gary, I have to do this." He says to me setting a stim and med-x with the items. He takes my hand and looks at me again.

I pat his hand and nod. I prepare myself for what was coming next. The med-x helps a lot. Allowing me to relax as he began to repair the damage he caused. The stitches he placed in my cheek, under my right eye. It still hurt as he pressed it into my skin even through the medicine. I cringed each time.

He finishes with the stimpak and gauze to clean the dried blood. I breath in relief that he's done. There is a lesson here. Never try to wake someone that lives in the wasteland when the only thing you can say is one word.

He stands and holds a hand to me to stay. So I do. He opens a refrigerator that had the Nuka~Cola logo on it, pulling out a bottle and brings it back. I had never laid eyes on a cold bottle, he handed it to me and I almost jumped. He took my hand and led the bottle to my swollen cheek. I had to admit, it felt great.

I sunk back into the chair feeling relief. Blake still looked off as he sat in front of me so I placed my hand on his knee for reassurance. When he looked at me I smiled and he chuckled and smiled back.

~-,-~

After he attacked me, he began to leave me behind when he would leave. I wonder if he thought I was too weak to go with him. Wherever it was he was always going. His instructions were clear. I could leave the house but not after dark. And going outside of Megaton is strictly forbidden. Also going to Gob's bar was off limits.

I don't know what this was. I am more than confused and I feel as though I were in the vault again but this time I have access to outdoors.

The first time it didn't bother me. He left and had only been gone for two days. But over the next few weeks his presence became sparse. After a few months, it was almost as if he didn't exist at all. The only word about him I heard came from this Three Dog fellow over the radio.

I spent my time reading the books he had collected and practiced copying the words in them. Tried to write my own sentences. They didn't look to good. The little girl Maggie tried to help me. I think she thought I was mental, of course I feel that way too. When compared to everyone else, I am definitely strange.

One morning Blake returned, I was still asleep when he came in but I woke up to greet him. He looks awful. I wanted to know but he seemed somewhere else. I sit up from my spot on the couch and rub my eyes wiping away the sleep. He dropped his things and sat next to me. We sit in silence for awhile before he turns his hands over and stares at his palms.

"He's gone." He says in a soft tone. I don't know who he is referring to, shoulder and keep my limited words to myself, letting him continue. "There was nothing I could do. I…"

I scoot closer and try to hug him. I don't know what I can do for him but I try. I put my arm around his shoulders, his black leather jacket looks worse than usual. I don't know what to do for him at all. All I could do was be there.

He leans into me, putting his head on my shoulder and hugging me back. After a moment or two he sits back and pats my shoulder. I could tell he was trying to be strong and get past whatever had happened.

"So what did you do while I was gone?" He asks me. I could still see the sadness but it was clear he was trying to take his mind off of it.

I shrug, then remember all the things I tried writing. I reached for the coffee table and pick up a clipboard covered in papers. I hand them to him with a confident smile.

He looks at the papers flipping through them and laughs with a soft whisper "You wrote these?" He asks amused when I nod. He then reads off the words I wrote. "Hello… Goodbye… There… What…" He stops and I look at him worried. He looks at me and smiles. "Hello Gary." He says and I realize what he read.

"Hello Blake." I wrote on the paper. It looked like a child wrote it but it was there all the same and he could read it.

He chuckles when I slightly blush in embarrassment. I forgot to hide that. I didn't want him to read it until I had more to go with it. I don't feel uncomfortable when he brings a hand up and puts it on my cheek then rubs his thumb on the scar. But I do hold my breath when he leans in to kiss me. It was a complete shock and my mind went blank for a moment.

When he pulls away it takes me a moment to breath again. "Gary?" I whisper, confused.

Blake clears his throat and moves away quickly covering his mouth with the side of his fist. "I- I'm sorry…" He says not looking at me then stands and walks upstairs, locking himself in his room.

I lie back down, touching my lips. I could be overthinking things. I come to the conclusion he was just looking for comfort. I think I went back to sleep because when I wake up its much later in the day and Blake is gone again. He took his things so I know he won't be back anytime soon.

~-,-~

Much to my surprise he didn't stay that long away from Megaton. But he was gone everyday and back by nightfall. Each time he was wore out and would only offer a moment of greeting before closing himself in his room. I wondered what I could do to help him but I kept coming up blank.

After a week of this he stopped leaving but wandered around Megaton. I would go with him. We walked in silence, every now and then he would say a few words to the other residents. He even got into a fight with Jericho which was amusing to say the least.

I never realized how skilled Blake really is. It is almost scary how much damage he can cause with his hands. Each time I see him fight It makes me remember my own encounter with those fists and I bring my hand to the fresh scar.

He even brought a dog home. Happy thing. It seemed to smile every time it would look at Blake. Wagged it's tail and without hesitation did whatever Blake tells it to. Blake calls it Dogmeat. Odd name for an animal, but I guess it only reflects its sooner or later fate. Makes you wonder why anyone names their children.

The life expectancy of everyone out here seemed lower than it should. Those who hole up in settlements like Megaton live a little longer. But then what about people like Blake? It just makes him seem that much scarier.

~-,-~

I want to go outside of Megaton. I'm feeling restless. I want to experience life out there in the wasteland. I write a makeshift note to Blake. All he does is ignore me. I bite the inside of my cheek and frown and press the issue. "Gar-ry." I stomp and point at the gates.

Blake looks at me rather surprised but shrugs and takes me to his home and gathers his gear. "Just remember, you're the one who wanted to go." He says to me with a slight smile.

It feels freeing being outside the patchwork metal walls. We travel north for a few days. The only thing I have to protect myself with is a piece of pipe. Blake doesn't trust me with a gun. I wish he did. After staying back and watching Blake kill everything that tried to kill us I wanted to go home. The most terrifying creature we encounter is a large tan colored creature with horns. Accompanied by really long arms and claws.

Blake kills the creature and it dies with a shout. Dogmeat gets hurt badly and I feel awful. Blake doesn't seem to care. As I watch the life leave the poor creature I feel like its my fault. I can only watch as the sparkle in his eyes fades and he grows still. It feels like my heart's ripped from my chest.

"Leave it, there's nothing we can do now." Blake says coldly. He wipes the monsters blood from his forehead, and walks off.

I take one more look back as we leave. I guess I am hoping for a miracle, that if I looked long enough the pup would get up and follow again. Blake grabs my arm and turns me around making me keep up. He is forceful and clearly irritated. I know he's mad at me. After all this was my fault. I wanted to go and I just can't protect myself. Dogmeat died helping Blake keep me alive.

~-,-~

Once we make it back to Megaton, Blake stops talking to me completely and seems to ignore me altogether.

~-,-~ And this will conclude chapter 2. I hope its okay I actually took my time on it. Chapter 3 in the works and should be up by next month. ~-,-~


	3. Disconnect

**I want to thank everyone who have stopped to take a look at my story! Thank you so very much! 3 you all! So to those who have gotten this far I hope this chapter lives to please as well. I know this is a bit early but I actually had time to work on it. And just to give a heads up this chapter will seem like events will escalate quickly but it's really not (~-,-~) is my way of saying time has passed and Gary has usually given some reveal of how much after each but there are times where he does not which is usually just a day or two. So give or take a week or so this chapter is about 5-6 months after the first chapter. Now that that bit is out of the way, on to chapter 3!**

 **Pillars**

 **Chapter 3**

 **Disconnect**

Blake acts as though I don't exist for three days. I realize it must have upset him when dogmeat died but is that really a reason to treat me like a ghost? When I try to get close he shrugs me away. I can't lie to myself, it hurts being ignored like this.

It hurt even more, in the morning, I wake up and hes gone. No note, no word to anyone to let me know. Just disappeared.

~-,-~

It's another month and he is still gone. Three Dog tells Blake's tale. I do take comfort in knowing he is still alive out there somewhere. But I can't help feeling abandoned. Maggie asks me from time to time where he goes and when will he be back. All I do is shrug. Jericho asks me why I'm still here. Asks me what Blake had on me that's keeping me around. Then asks me if I'm a pet.

I wonder if he means like dogmeat. That night I sit at home, and I ponder. What was I to Blake? Why was I still there? Was he keeping me here because he feels bad about killing all the other Gary's? Why? I'm sure there are others out there he's left abandoned somewhere.

I get a sick feeling and go outside. Its dark. If Blake caught me he would have a fit. Then it hits me. Why _am_ I worried about what he would do? Why am I doing anything he tells me. Maybe Jericho is right. Maybe I am like a pet.

I start feeling mad. I don't know what possessed me to be here this long. Fear was still plausible. Not wanting to be alone is another. But here I was... alone. In _his_ empty house, I started to feel like a piece of furniture. I find my vault suit. It had been cleaned up. I put it on and leave the clothing Blake got me folded on his bed.

My next step is to try out writing again. I find my old note and begin to try and write. It isn't the best looking thing but I'm sure he will be able to read it. Then I leave. I know it's dark, but I'm hoping it will be easier to hide from danger this way.

I follow my pip-boy map back to my vault. It is still dark, but the moon is bright allowing me to travel without using my light. Things seem to like light out here. There were gunshots on a nightly basis outside of Megaton from things coming to its lights.

Nonetheless I keep my head down during the day and travel at night. This sinking feeling in my gut keeps getting deeper as I go. How long until Blake gets home and finds my note? Will he come after me or not? How mad will he be?

Just as it was when I left Megaton it was when I arrived at the wooden door outside vault 108. I feel like I'm being followed, so I turn to look back. I can't see anything in the darkness, but I spot movement. Whatever it is, it's coming toward me and fast. My heart races and I run inside.

I slam the door shut and run for the blast door of the vault. It's closed. I look for the control panel and find it smashed. The front tore open like a wild animal tore its teeth into it and shredded it apart pulling the wiring out.

The sound of the wooden door pushing open causes my heart to practically stop and I fall to my knees. I didn't want to see what was coming for me. Probably coming to kill me. The footfalls came closer and the closer they got, the harder it became to breath.

They stop right behind me and I hear heavy breathing. I can't stop myself from turning around when nothing happened. The moment my eyes caught a glance of whoever it is, I am grabbed by the shoulders. Within seconds I am face to face with Blake. The look in his eyes is different. Startling.

I winced in pain from the pressure he is putting into his grasp. I find it hard to look away from his face. My eyes wide. I'm terrified. The feeling intensified when he smiles.

He leans closer to me, I can hear his breathing in my ear and the warmth from his breath on the side of my face and neck. "Did you really think you could come back?" He asks and I start to cry.

He did this. At some point he came back here and sealed the vault. He squeezes tighter and I cry out in pain. "Did you!?" He shakes me and I turn my head away.

He lets me go with one hand and reaches into his jacket pocket. My eyes had settled to the darkness, so I could see and he has my note crumpled in his grasp. "What? Everything I've done for you not enough?" He spits in anger. I try to look away but he grabs my face. It hurts and I cry harder when he pushes the note in my face. Grinding the old paper into my skin.

I struggle against his grasp but it only hurt me more. He pushes my face away shoving me into the metal door. My head hits with a loud bang. Im sure the sound echoed through the other side and throughout the empty vault. My head began to swim and my vision went in and out from the blow. I can barely make out what's going on. All I see is Blake pacing back and forth before turning to me. Right as he reaches me once more I black out.

~-,-~

My head feels like it is going to burst open. I come to, I'm back in Megaton. The sun is seeping through a crack in the wall and falling right into my eyes. I wince and try to sit up with a cringe. A pair of hands reach to me, to stabilize me. I freeze at the sound of his voice.

"Easy, you hit your head pretty hard, Gary." He says as if nothing happened. I grow confused. Had I been dreaming?

"Ga-ry…?" I ask reaching for the back of my head and wincing when I touch the swollen spot on the back.

He sits down to watch me a moment. He keeps smiling. "You're lucky I got to you in time, Gary." He shifts to cross his legs. Maybe it was a dream after all.

I look around, I wasn't in my vault suit anymore, and back in the clothes I changed out of. I feel a strange weight on my ankle and flip the blankets back to find a shackle there. My eyes widen in terror. "Gary?" I ask, my tone obviously confused and rather startled. My heart begins to pound.

Bake keeps smiling at me. "Isn't that better, Gary. Now you don't have to worry, Gary!" He exclaims. He stands and steps closer and sits on the bed. I freeze again when he brings his hand back to my face. He grabs me but it's not as harsh as it had been before. "Now I can keep you safe, Gary." He whispers in my ear. I wish he would stop saying my name. He keeps repeating it every time he speaks. It sends a chill through my bones.

He kisses me again but it's harsh and filled with twisted anger. I pull away in fear. Tears begin to fall from my eyes and he angers. "What's your fucking problem?!" He asks standing and grabbing my hair.

It pulls my scalp and the spot that's wounded causing me to cry out. "GARY!" I yell loudly grabbing at his hand. Again he throws my head away. At least this time I am able to catch myself.

He begins to pace again, one hand behind his back the other on his chin and mouth. He stops and looks at me grinning again. "I know, you must be tired, Gary. Traveling so far and you did hurt yourself, Gary." He says to me as though he figured out some revolution.

I didn't hurt myself, he hurt me! Why is he making this my fault? I cant look at him, he's being crazy. "Gary!" I spit. I want him away from me. I want away from him. I shouldn't have said anything.

He's at my throat again in moments, squeezing. "What was that, Gary?" He hisses at me. "You want to leave, Gary?" He squeezes tighter, my eyes water. If I nod I'm sure he will kill me. I shake my head the best I can and he lets me go. I cough deeply trying to catch my breath. His eerie smile surfaces again and he rubs my hair. "Good boy, Gary."

He stands and goes to the door stops and turns to look at me. "I'll let you go anytime, Gary." The light in his eyes had vanished and I shake. "All you have to do is ask." He leaves, closing the door behind him. I hear it lock.

~-,-~

All I had to do was ask. Was he taunting me? He knows I can't say anything but my name. Is that why he said it? I have tried before. To say other things. Each time it is like a vice pulling the words back and locking them in the back of my throat.

Perhaps only saying 'Gary' for most of my life is to blame. Maybe it just isn't meant for me to say anything. Just like the prison I find myself in now, so is my vocabulary from my mind to my mouth.

But if I want out of here I need to keep trying. During the time I have alone is a prime time to try.

Blake comes home every now and then. When he does he sits and stares at me. Some days it's as if he is judging me.

Others it's like he's trying to read my mind. Then there are the days it's like he finds amusement in my peril. Its those times I hate the most. Blake just sits there with a grin. Never saying anything. Then he simply gets up and walks back out.

I feel like he is playing a game with me. Or a dare. What will he really do if I can manage to say those words. I need to tread carefully with this game of his. The way he is acting He might actually just kill me if I manage to squeak out even one of those words to get my freedom.

~-,-~

After a several weeks of silent mocking Blake does the last thing I ever expect. He forces himself on me. It hurts, he's too rough. I'm not prepared for this. I can feel my skin burning and bruising with every touch he places on me.

Between his weight and his heavy breathing, I feel a strange sense of dread. He strangles me during this and even though it may have only lasted a minute or two, it feels like an eternity. I think I might actually die.

Is this it? Is he going to kill me? My vision black out momentarily. Then he releases me. I cough, trying to catch my breath, then I look to his face and I cringe at the pleased looking smirk. He leans in and bites me. It hurts too, I might be bleeding from it.

We both get a shock. I opened my mouth to yell and the word that came out was not the one we expected. Plain as day the name, his name, left my lips. I feel strange from this. Happy that I said something else, and sickened that it has to be his name.

He looks at me blankly but again he does something unexpected. He takes me into a painfully tight embrace. His face nuzzled into my neck. I strangely don't feel comfort from this. I was right to feel fear. He sinks his teeth into me again and again.

He's trying to get me to yell out his name. Unfortunately I do when bites hard enough to bring blood to my wrist. Then thrusts into me so hard I lost my breath the second his name spilled from my mouth.

He finishes with a strangled groan. Dropping his head onto my chest. I have never felt so used before in my life. Never have I felt so filthy, or in so much pain. Nor so tired. The last thing I feel is his hand brush my cheek. The last thing I see is his content smile, before darkness and I finally feel at peace.

~-,-~

The peaceful feeling only lasted until I woke up. My body aches, my mind is blurry, and I still feel exhausted. I can hear the sound of clothing shifting. I turn to look in the direction of the sound, too tired to sit. Blake is putting on his leather jacket but noticed me looking at him.

He zipped up the zipper and moves towards me. Instinctively I should have tensed, my muscles hurt to much. Sitting on the edge of the bed he sighs, reaches for my face and rubs my scar looking at it like he doesn't know what it is.

Blake was being surprisingly gentle. He kisses me once more, his lips barely brush mine. He seems content. Then he reaches to my ankle and removes the shackle.

I have no idea what to do. I don't move a muscle. Was this a test? A cruel joke? I look at him "Blake?" I ask in a hushed tone. My voice no louder than a whisper. After having said it so many times, it did feel slightly freeing to say something else.

He rubs my ankle where the shackle bruised and marked my skin. He smiles again when I say his name without prompt. He turns and looks at me. "I have to leave." He says looking away and his smile fades. "There is going to be a battle." He stands and straightens his hair. "I'm only letting you go because I don't know if I will come back from this." Blake looks at me deadpan serious. "If I survive, I will look for you."

I didn't expect anything less from him.


	4. Magnet

**Pillars**

 **Chapter 4**

 **Magnet**

It's been a two months since Blake released me. I didn't leave right away. I waited around for a few days. Gathered supplies for a journey to anywhere else but Megaton. I decided on going south. North just seemed like a bad idea, after my last adventure out, Yeah south was a better option.

Things just seem bad all around. I kept my radio going, listening for any news about Blake and the battle he mentioned. It turns out they won against the Enclave. But Blake went into a coma. Something about radiation and something about water. Lots of water.

I eventually found a place called Rivet City. Big boat, I'm welcomed aboard as long as I don't start trouble. Fair enough I suppose. I have plenty of room to stretch my legs, nice company, comfortable beds and decent food. I still felt on edge no matter how much I try to relax. As if Blake would suddenly round a corner and drag me back to Megaton and lock me away.

I did get some sleep, feeling somewhat secure when I locked myself into my room for the night. I took a job at the Muddy Rudder. Harder work than I thought, nastier too. But it paid enough to get by.

I think the first person to catch on to my limited vocabulary is the Security Chief. There is something odd with him as well. He seems to perfect. His skin is too smooth, he's mannerisms are far from lacking. Just the way the man moved and spoke. When you don't say much it's easy to watch people and forget you were doing it.

~-,-~

Another month goes by and my heart drops when I walk into the bar in the bowels of the ship this morning. At the far end stood Blake. I almost turn around and leave the second I see that black leather jacket. But something keeps me frozen. When he turns to grab his drink from the bar top, I release my breath in relief.

It isn't Blake. But the man standing there looks too similar. Same haircut, same height, same jacket. I don't dare to speak to him. Probably best. I walk around him and get my supplies to clean, the feeling of eyes on me crawls up my spine. Perhaps it was my jumpsuit? Or the pip-boy? Although old, the cleaner did a number on clothes.

I ignore the urge to look back. I still can't say much but my vocabulary has grown... a bit. If the stranger wants to start some kind of conversation…

"Hey, you're from a vault too?" His accent is a little different than a lot of the people out here.

I sigh and look at him "Yes." I'm still working on the rest of that. My main goal has been to complete a sentence. Any sentence.

"Let the kid get to work. Or I'll make you help him." Thank the stars for Belle.

"Just curious." He shrugs.

While she pulled his attention I move away and begin to sweep. To my dismay, he follows me all over the room asking random questions. Belle even informs him that I don't say much, but it doesn't seem to work. He's like a kid, blabbing the whole time. I collect my pay for the day and begin to leave, only to have him follow me still.

I need to check myself for something that attracts weirdos.

"What's your name?" He then asks, after a few hours he's finally introducing himself.

I sigh and keep walking "Gary."

"I'm Butch." He says proudly, "Leader of the Tunnel Snakes." He says even prouder.

I roll my eyes, then realize this must be the guy that Blake spoke of on occasion. "Hmmm," I bite my lip thinking for a moment.

He keeps following me until I reach my room and I stop and turn to look at him. He give me this odd smirk and I take in a deep breath. "No…" I pause thinking on how to use what few words I have to make a sentence he might understand. "Go... Gary sleep." I jump for joy inside my head and smile a little outside.

Butch frowns at me. "Fine, didn't want to talk to ya anyway." He pokes me in the chest, shoves his hands in his pockets and walks away.

I can only sigh and lock myself inside my room for my few hour nap that I call sleep.

~-,-~

It's mid day when I emerge from my tossing and turning. I don't want to do anything today but I still need to eat. Gary is a nice man, even though I can tell he's stressed out, mostly about his daughter and her recent marriage. He tries to hide it, then again who isn't trying to hide something?

Going so far as to say I'm hiding, wouldn't be a lie. Being good at it is another thing. I can't even hide from CJ, James, and Bryan. Even with all the spaces to hide on this ship. They always find me immediately. But they have fun and it takes my mind from things.

I know at some point he will show up, I know it will be awkward, and I don't know what he will do. I don't know what I will do either. Maybe I should leave at some point. Go as far away as I can. Anywhere I can before the inevitable happens. Sometimes I wonder what a long walk off the side of the ship would be like. Not the one near the deep water, but the side with the shore. Would it hurt? Would I go instantly?

I sigh and finish lunch, nod goodbye and take my leave to wander around the ship. I often have to fight the urge to say my name out like before, even if not for me but for my family. It's easy to reminisce, to see ghosts. It just seems so easy to stop trying and go back to before. But I can't go back, Not to my vault anyway. I don't know enough about electronics to fix the console.

I manage to find my way to the flight deck. The open space and fresh air is a nice reprieve. None of the other residences come up here.

Only this one old man. Never told me his name, just that he wanted to be alone to contemplate jumping off the ship.

Looking out over the destroyed city, I have to remind myself that my life could be much worse. And I realize that even though the people of the world tried to destroy themselves, it kept going on and I can too.

I then hear the click of a lighter. When I turn to look it's Butch again. I for some reason cringe and sigh. He isn't that bad of a guy, just resembles Blake to much.

"What's got you so uptight?" He asks blowing out the smoke and flicking the ash from his cigarette.

The only thing I can think of doing is to reach out and tug the jacket "Blake?" I ask him.

He raises a brow at my gesture then grins "Oh, you know Blake?" He asks me.

I nod and point at him "You?" I ask.

"E'yeah, I know'em. You could say we grew up together." He states.

All I could do is look astonished. They were closer than I thought. I suppose the jacket is a small clue, but honestly I thought Blake stole it.

"Blake was a real head case back in the vault." He begins to talk again, drawing my attention back to him. "A real trouble maker. Little bastard had balls." I kept quiet and listened as if it pertained to life or death. "The first time he stood up to me was at his tenth birthday." He chuckled. "There was a Mr Handy robot, dumb ass thing destroyed Blake's cake. He acted like he didn't care, I did though. I was starving, my ma' forced me to go, I hadn't eaten. Anyway, I got in his face and told him to give me the sweetroll he got. Little fucker, he says 'You want it?' Then smashes me in the face with the damn thing. Then he says, no lie, 'How's that fucking taste?' The whole room went silent." He grips the railing like he's mad at the memory, I only glance at the gesture momentarily. "We gave him so much hell after that. But he gave it right back."

I look back at him. "Gary…" I breath out, meaning to say wow but oh well.

He continues "Yeah, he was a real piece of work…"

"At least I didn't whine like a bitch when I lost." His sentence is cut off. I knew who it was without looking, Butch still looked over.

"Well, back from the dead I see." Butch said with a smirk. "Wondering how long you'd be out."

Blake spoke to Butch and acted as if I weren't there. I knew better, he must be mad at me for leaving again. I take the opportunity to leave, as fast as I can. I don't look back but I know they are both watching me go.

~-,-~

I pace the floor in my room. Should I leave the ship? Just gather all I have saved and run? Or should I stay and try to hide from him? Or should I wait for him to find me again and listen to what he has to say?

My mind is spinning possibilities a mile a minute, and I sit on the edge of my cot to catch my breath. Why am I so afraid of him still?

He has already done the worst thing I can think of to me, besides killing me. What else could he do? What else _would_ he do? I grip my head from the headache I'm getting just thinking so much.

I decide I'm going to leave, I don't have many belongings. A change of clothes, a bag of caps that I have saved. A gun that I have been practicing with, and several magazines and boxes of spare ammo. I close the bag lift it on my shoulder and open the door.

I was rushing so much, I ran right into Blake. He had been standing on the other side of the door, for who knows how long. He's like a wall, that it actually hurt and knocked me back. I rubbed my face and looked up to see him smiling. Like a creature that has cornered it's prey. He stepped in, causing me to step back and he closes the door.

He put his hands in his pockets, keeping his position at the door. "That's not nice Gary at all. I come to find you like I said I would and you try to run away? I'm kinda hurt." He looks at the floor and kicks something imaginary, then looks back at me. "I see you have made a friend."

I look at him confused for a moment, then realize he's referring to Butch. "Gary?" I ask a bit defiantly, turning my head away and frowning. I guess I'm not allowed to make friends, if you would call Butch a friend.

He takes his hands out of his pockets and I turn my whole attention to him. He advances slowly and I back away until I'm stopped by the desk behind me. He looks serious as he puts his hands on either side of me on the desk. I turn my head away and wince waiting for any pain.

"He didn't touch you did he?" He asks, I can hear the hidden anger.

I shake my head quickly.

"Did He!?" He yells.

"No!" I yell back, fighting the tears. I've been preparing for a moment like this. I can't cry now.

He brings a hand up grasping my jaw, turning my head to make me face him. I could feel his hand shaking but he isn't being forceful. "You better not be lying to me." He says, warning laced his voice.

I look him in the eyes, the dam almost broke but I manage to keep the tears at bay. I shake my head again and inhaled a shaky breath.

He kisses me, softer than I imagined he would and then lets me go. He runs his hands against the sides of his hair to straighten it. "You can relax Gary." He puts his hands back into his pockets. "I have something I need to do. I don't know how long it will take me but I wanted to see you." He looks away like an embarrassed child.

"Blake?" I ask. I was expecting… I don't know what I was really expecting. But for him to show up, just to see how I was? I admit, I'm curious.

Blake smiles when I say his name again, as if I'm the first to ever say it. " I'm glad you still know how to say it…" He sighs. "I…" He pauses looks away a moment, then back to me. "I want you to stay here. Youre safe here, and…" He pauses again, steps back to me, takes my hand in his. "I just want to know that you are safe, Gary. Don't leave..." He says, confusing me with the sincerity of his words.

I almost felt as if he wanted to say 'Don't leave _me_.'


	5. Second Chances

**Finally chapter 5. I'm so sorry to have kept you all waiting, real life hit me hard and said "No, no you don't get to do nothing!" and I cried and went along with it. LOL but I'm back with this and hopefully I will be able to start posting monthly again. Please RxR if you would kindly.**

 **Pillars**

 **Chapter 5**

 **Second Chances**

Blake's odd behavior has me stumped. I begin to think the worst, then things that wouldn't make sense. I could have asked if he's an imposter but who am I kidding, I can't say any of those words if my life depends on it. Thank goodness that it isn't.

I almost want to follow him, see where he's headed. What he is so worried about, that made him want to see me for the sake of it. Maybe he thinks he won't be back at all. Am I being too selfish in being so scared of him? Has my fear clouded my judgment of him?

For days I've done a lot of thinking and reflecting.

He's the first person I met, the one he let live. He could have killed me long ago but didn't. He has tortured me, hurt me, done unspeakable things to me but he let me go… He let me live. He took me away from my underground prison, showed me life above ground. He even introduced me to people, shared my first round of alcohol with him, he even gave me my first scar. But…. He let me live.

Without the pain, I wouldn't have said anything other than Gary for the rest of my life. He, above all the people I've met, he knows who I am, what I am, and he seems okay with that.

Butch still spoke to me but not as friendly as before. Probably Blake's doing. Harkness seems to be watching me like a hawk, that is probably Blake as well. Sister stayed away from me as if I were some kind of disease, that is most definitely for the best. I've heard disturbing things about him. Everyone else, well they treat me as normal, although they happen to be a lot kinder.

I didn't have to pay for meals anymore, Gary says I have a paid off tab, and Belle fired me. Sense Blake came and went, things changed and I soon find I have nothing to do all day. I guess it's a good a time as any to catch up on my sleep, in the room I no longer have to pay for.

Even sleeping became old after a few days.

~-,-~

A month and a half flew by before I knew it. I thought the saying was 'Time flies when you're having fun'? I wasn't having any fun at all. I begin to feel trapped in the ship. The halls feel smaller everyday and the faces of everyone smiling at me, seem to blur each time I see them.

Is this insanity? Am I going to snap and try kill everyone just because I'm losing it? Maybe the problem is what I am after all. I was the youngest, so maybe the crazy is something I have yet to grow into?

How fast will they kick me off, if I begin to wander the halls and just say Gary all the time? To no one, to ghosts. Ignore them and start being creepy. Maybe they are all under the knife, as Blake kept me for the first several months of our relationship.

Knowing him, that is a strong possibility.

I want to wait, I want to do as he says. To stay put and wait for him to come back. Perhaps he is changing and for the better? I can hope, right? My only problem is if I stay on this boat any longer I might just completely lose it.

The day I find myself starting at a wall will be the defining moment. The moment I say fuck it all and abandon ship. Only I don't have to swim to shore.

~-,-~

After four months of waiting, Blake never came back. I had hoped so much that he would. Waiting and hoping he would come back and get me out of here. To get mad at me for doing something stupid, to ignore me for a few days then act as if nothing happened. I wanted nothing more than to be with him. Away from here.

This time I don't wait for that to happen, as much as I urged myself to try, I just can't wait anymore. I don't even say good bye. I make my leave quietly, and in the middle of the night. As I reach the end of the walkway I turn back for one last look, I give the ship a half assed salute and walk away.

My first thought is to try and find him. Perhaps he found himself trapped? I don't know what I could do to help but I have to try. For a while, I have been receiving messages: A man, by the name of Wherner, in need of help. A river boat operator offering adventure. Brotherhood soldiers in need of help. Then this random signal out in the middle of nowhere.

All these messages were on a loop. So I have no way of knowing if Blake had been near any of them, they were all spread out. I'm not confident in my abilities to survive. I make it to the boat first. It being closer, and I find it disappointing. Blake was here at one point, but that was months ago. I wave goodbye and make my way to the next and closest location.

It's a large mistake following this one, but by some miracle I make it to the brotherhood post. I withheld the urge to hurl. The place looked as if a massacre happened. The place smelled of decay and death, everyone here lay dead. I even find one of my brothers. I remember him leaving. Though it took me a moment to recognize him from the contortion of the decaying flesh. His arm being missing is unsettling.

What the hell happened here?

I chalk it up as a loss and move on, but not before taking what I can to replenish supplies.

The random location seems more and more like a trap the closer I got. Needless to say I go around and head further north first. Several bodies lay there, unfortunately no Wherner. I want to pull my hair out at this point, where was he? Where did he go to? And why hasn't he come back yet?

I get this feeling of dread as I look over the wreckage of the last location. What the hell was this thing? Where did it come from? Blake wasn't anywhere, not one traveler along the way could tell me where he went. I'm glad I could at least ask his name, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten far.

I sit for a moment and gather my thoughts. What do I do now? Where do I go? I can't stay here, that's the first step. Although I find it hard to move, I do.

~-,-~

I wander for awhile, in an aimless daze. I have no idea how long I stayed that way for. I never looked at my pip-boy to check the time nor the date. But when I finally did, I realize it had been three weeks. I rubbed my face and looked around. I think I'm near Megaton so I check my map. Turns out I am.

It felt foreign walking through the gate and to Blake's door. Wished that he was waiting for me on the other side of that metal and wood door.

I hoped I would open the door and see him.

Slowly I pushed it open, but the only thing to greet me is Wadsworth. The memories of this place were haunting, a lot of them were lonely. And definitely painful.

I fell onto the couch, breathed in deep. I coughed slightly at the smell of old fabric and dust, staying that way until I pass out. Once I woke up I don't stay long. I felt so alone, even more than when Blake was coming and going. Even though I had people around me, in either Megaton or Rivet City, I still felt alone.

~-,-~

Over the course of the next six months I find myself with a group of mercenaries. Black armor, a different array of weaponry,and a lot of bad attitudes. They gave me hell, constantly found some kind of humor in the fact that I didn't speak. After joining, myself and a few others travel around and harass wastelanders. Even killing some for no reason other than they looked at our leader wrong. After a month or so I stop letting it bother me. The only thing that bothered me is the fact that we have orders from someone, somewhere, to find and kill Blake.

I had no idea what I would do if we came against him. Would I be able to shoot them in the back given the chance? Probably. Would I be able to say fuck it all and open fire at Blake for the sake of a few caps? The jury is still out on that. But for the most part, we scoured the ruins of the city. Took out hordes of Super Mutants and anything else that got in our way of hunting down bounties.

I found a liking to the combat shotgun, I didn't have to have particularly good aim with it. Plus it held a lot of rounds at one time. The more I used it the better I got, the others began calling me "The Surgeon." I had no idea what that even referred to but it was a nifty nickname.

Then I started to think I wasn't the age I originally thought I was, because I was growing more everyday. I stopped looking like a boy and even began growing a beard at one point. That was a royal pain in the ass, I had to learn to shave by watching some of the others without letting on I was watching.

Last thing I needed was for them to find that to harass me about too.

The scar on my cheek faded and became faint and hard to notice, But I look more like the other clones now. I became taller, my lanky arms and legs filled out into more defined muscle, even my face seemed to change a bit. My jaw was more squared, and the lines on my face deepened. That was due to the constant hell I got, and it became so much a habit, I would frown in my sleep.

~-,-~

After two years of this I seemed to forget who I was. Where I was from, I even forgot what Blake looked like. I couldn't remember his face. Although I would know it if he appeared. I just couldn't recall his features anymore. And after these long hard years. I didn't even know who Blake was to me anymore.

As long as I have survived, a miracle no less, I did earn some respect and a few new scars. No one expected me to outlive half of the groups they put me on. The only hell I received became playful banter. But I became comfortable with them and dished it right back. The problem with my lack of talking soon became old news and they just came to accept it. I got to the point I didn't care about trying anymore.

The new words, the sentences, even the words I have learned to say. I just gave up trying. They were one less thing to worry about.

It was rather funny. I didn't think I looked that bad but apparently the wasteland is rough on the body. Anyone new that joined us seemed to stay away from me as if I would eat them alive. I guess no one wants to get next to the silent as the grave scared up man.

I did my job and that was it. I don't want friends, I just want something to do all the time. I became addicted to my work, and ran my small groups ragged as they tried to keep up.

I don't even know how many I got killed because of exhaustion, them, not me. I felt fine going without breaks and sleep. But soon found they seem too terrified to join my squad, because I always come back alone. With a bounty filled… but alone.


	6. Anywhere but Somewhere

**Okay so I know I just added chapter 5, but I have been working on this non stop. It was originally part of chapter five but I realized that the length was to much so I cut off about a third of it and began to fill this chapter out. Chapter seven is also in the works as it was part of this as well but again it was becoming really, really long. I just started typing and didn't realize how far I had gone till I went back to proof read lol. Okay so with that out of the way, one more tid~bit of info is that, this chapter contains a bit of smut. Now with all that out of the way and you have been warned, enjoy!**

 **Pillars**

 **chapter 6**

 **Anywhere but Somewhere**

Each time I look at myself in any reflection, I feel a disconnect with the person looking back. Why did things turn out like this? How many people have I killed? Who have I become?

The man looking back… Is not who I am. Or is it? I shaved for the first time in two months. The person looking back seems more familiar. Although his eyes are sad, his mouth doesn't smile. I don't remember smiling to often. Did I ever smile? Did I ever have something to smile for, or about?

The scars that began to appear on my heart all those years ago, seem to be on my face. I know they didn't surface from inside, but that's almost the way it feels. That my body began to show the pain I have felt inside, for the past seven years, since I left the Vault.

Since he left.

My heart feels as dead, as these eyes look, while they peer back at me. How long will they look this way?

I've somehow broken that wall with my teammates, the one where they show nothing but fear towards me. Gained their trust. I figured that if they can't keep up with me, I will have to pull their weight along with my own. I did just that. I became a hero to the new recruits.

I don't want to be a hero to them. I don't want their admiration. The way they look up to me and the more I ignore them, the worse it got. Honestly, I am becoming weary of this. All of it.

But I don't leave. That would leave me with nothing to do all over again. And, as bad as the company is, I don't want to go back to being alone. Perhaps what I want, is to fill my life with people like him?

Bad tempers, bad demeanors, bad attitudes. In a way, they all resemble him in some way. I think I'm a masochist. I have to laugh at that thought. Could I be attracted to being hurt? Did being smacked around, somehow, make me feel good in some odd fucking way?

Perhaps.

Perhaps that is exactly what my problem is. I did come to find it satisfying to hurt people. Maybe I am unleashing the hurt, that I want so bad. That's ridiculous though, because those people end up dead.

~-,-~

Today is the same as every other, dull. I got pulled back to the compound. Jabsco is getting old. Stupid, he's not that old, they say he's got his eyes on me. He looks to make me his successor. I don't want that. I want to be out moving around, not here issuing bounties. Besides, I can't tell them what to do. What will I do, fling paper at them with written instructions?

That will be boring.

Maybe a bit amusing. I could see myself tossing wads of paper at people with bounty information on them.

This dog has bite, but no bark. And the others know it. I guess I am respected enough, but I don't believe it will last.

The longer I stay, the more of a cult I have gathered. Before he left, the Talon Company began to dwindle in numbers. Because he annihilated everyone he came across. The bounty on his head got larger, with each three man squad he put down.

Once he disappeared, the numbers began to rise. Then once word about me got around, the Fort flooded with newcomers. All looking to make good caps.

And the jobs are all good caps. But the chance to bring in a bounty is slim. Not much gets by, without Three Dog bellowing it out over the radio. So once our numbers got too high, the marks went underground. But they all make the mistake of thinking it is safe to come out. We got so large, there isn't a corner of the D.C area we don't have eyes on.

There isn't a moment, I don't have eyes on me either. They introduce themselves, I ignore them, they discover who I am, from just the silence. Then come the gushing fans. One grabs me, I knocked him out cold.

Turns out he just wanted to shake my hand.

I lost count of how many I beat out of my tent. Turns out, in a camp full of men, certain frustrations arise. I can't say I'm not like them. But the only one I wanted to ever touch me, I can't find.

~-,-~

I need to let go. I realize this, I just find it hard. First love, not to mention, I feel it was love at first sight. Or maybe I had been brainwashed. Led on because of my inexperience with the outside world.

While in my head I don't realize the advance. I don't usually reminisce anymore, and this is why. From what I can see in this slight darkness, he isn't all that bad looking. It's been so long since I have had contact with another person. The look of him with my dick in his mouth, is actually exhilarating.

The slick recesses of his mouth. The warmth of his saliva, the way the air cools it as he retreats then bottoms back onto me. To have that, oh so delicious, feeling of warmth again.

What am I doing?

Is this what I'm reduced to? A fiend, that as long as I am being touched, I'm unable to react the way I should? The way I have trained myself to act?

I should push him away, as I have all the others. Only they never got this far and he has this look. I can't explain it, it's almost like a need. Am I someone they want to be near like this? I don't understand.

He's good, good enough I let myself moan. Then I inhale a hiss, when he lets go and begins to move up my body. His eyes are full of lust, he looks drunk. Although I don't smell liquor on his breath.

Tasting his mouth, as he kisses me, it's wet and cold from sharp inhales of the cold night air. His cheeks are warm and bright red. His ass, tight and contracting around me. He tries his hardest to keep his, steadily rising, moans to just us. I have to cover his mouth, he's far too loud.

He rides me, his chest heaving in deep breaths. How long can I last like this? I have to suppress it, the feeling to just cum. I have to do something, so I flip us over. I have never done this, but it feels so natural. So good. I turn him onto his knees, and he complies with my every move.

Holding his hips, my thrusts become harder, deeper. It feels amazing. He bites his knuckles, "Faster, oh God, faster" He whispers. I only go slightly faster. I don't need everyone in camp being able to hear him and come to investigate. He leans up, pressing his back to my chest, It's hard to keep a pace like this but I somehow pull it off.

I can see right down his front, and he's jerking himself. His pace quickens, as do I and he finishes in his hand. At least he's somewhat considerate. I conclude, he's done this before. As he comes, he tightens around me pulling my own orgasm out, filling his ass.

I felt like collapsing. I'm sure he did to because he pulls me to the mattress with him. We lay there for what feels like hours, the only sounds filling the tent now is the sounds of our breathing. Then he turns to look at me. The grin on his face, satisfied.

Would he have been so adamant about invading my space had he known? I'm not ashamed of my inexperience, I guess I'm good at lying about everything. Easy to do, when you don't talk and let people assume things.

How pissed off will the others, that have tried before, be if they find this out. And I don't even know his name. After all the advances I forcefully and, at times, violently denied, one finally gets me. Something about him seemed familiar, yet I can't figure it out. Perhaps if I see him in the light.

Unfortunately I don't get the chance. Once we clean up, he pulls his pants up and leaves. I feel disappointed, until he comes back and kisses me once again. I'm caught off guard and rather stunned.

He begins to leave once more, that satisfied smile on his face. Only he stops, looks at me for a moment. "Thanks." Is all he says before leaving, this time not coming back.

I sit there staring at the door in disbelief, then I begin to laugh. I just got used, for the first time in my life, I just got used and I don't care.

Now I realize why he seemed so familiar to me. He, in a way, is exactly like me. Exactly like everyone else. We want something, someone. We want that touch of warmth, if even for only seconds. To have something that no one else can, and hide it like a dirty little secret.

Perhaps I shouldn't push them away anymore. Maybe I should let them have me, one at a time. Piece by piece.. We would both get something out of it, even if it was only once. And it would mean nothing. No one would have to worry about a broken heart.

But I know, deep down, I can't do that. That would be ridiculous. I need to keep every piece I have left.

~-,-~

The next morning, I feel those eyes on me again. Only this time it feels like they know something. I cringe internally, shit, so we were heard last night after all. I have to note not to do that again.

"GARY!" His name is Frank. He has been here as long as I have, and I don't know if I could call him a close friend. But a friend of sorts. His smirk is annoying and juvenile, I know that he knows. "Hey buddy…" He's staring at me, waiting for a reaction I'm guessing.

I stare at him, as I always do.

"So the camp is in a buzz. Wanna try explaining?" He's still smiling at me.

I roll my eyes and shake my head. Then frown, when he places a firm but playful punch on my shoulder.

"You dog." He laughs. Strange enough, he's the only person who has always known what I'm thinking. "So it's true!" He is too excited about this. "I guess ol' silent but deadly, is human after all!"

I rear back to hit him but he cowers, holding his hands up in surrender, laughing at his own joke. I have to admit it is kinda funny. Although, rude. I do let out a small chuckle.

"Soooo, who was it?" He asks, so nosy.

I shrug, I wasn't lying. I don't know who it was.

"Hmmm, I guess that would have been expected. He would get murdered by your fans if everyone knew." He follows me when I start walking again.

Fans? I know there are those who look up to me, but to have fans? I don't think they would be like that, if they knew me from the past. Hell those I started with had a pool going, to bet on how long I would live. I knew about it. I didn't particularly care. Frank won, having the longest bet, that I would survive and make it to three weeks. Asshole.

I guess because I won him money, he feels he needs to be friendly with me. Fucking ridiculous.

Today, I go through the motions I have since I became a squad leader. I report to Jabsco, get whatever bounty he hands me. Usually the dangerous ones, and I leave, until I fill said bounty. I never know who will be joining me, until I leave the tunnels.

This time I get stuck with rookies. I don't make it a point to be horrible to them, we have to work together. There isn't any point in being hostile to each other. Plus everyone starts somewhere, the same as I did. We all go through that nervous stage, even those who come in with some combat experience.

No one knows what we will encounter out in the wastes. Hell, a deathclaw got into the Fort once before anyone noticed or was awake enough to know it. That was a bad day, It managed to kill twenty of us. It was a slaughter.

Our target, a raider. Usually always a fucking raider anymore. Plus they are easy targets. To fucking stupid to hide, or to damn strung out to care. Either way, It makes my job easier. My only complaint about raiders, they are hostile. I've lost more newbies to them than I have mutants.

They are wild, like dogs. Loyal to each other, at least to a point. They roam or hole up in packs. And they always, always bite hard. Literally and metaphorically. I have a scar on my shoulder from a crazy raider bitch. Stung for a week.

At least the most known raiders sit in one place. Only the wild ones roam around.

So to get this 'Boxcar'... Boxcar? What the hell is wrong with them? Have they never heard of a real name? What the hell is wrong with a name like John or hell, even Gary? It's always something retarded like this.

I actually groan and slap my palm to my face. The two with me look at me in concern until I hand them the bounty.

I could hear the laughter slowly starting behind me. "Whats next? Lug nut?" One mentioned.

The other laughed at that "Oh, what about Butter knife?" He adds.

I just roll my eyes and move on. I guess, in the long run, It doesn't matter what they call themselves. If they become to much of a nuisance, we would be ordered to exterminate them and their little pack. And this Boxcar currently has a one thousand five hundred cap bounty on him.

We only get paid a percentage of the payment, But it's still enough to save up. We only have to spend caps on any excess ammo we need. I was always broke when I started, having to get extra ammo. Plus paying the more experienced ones to fix my gun, until I figured it out.

I pause in my tracks, my companions running into me. They look around on alert. I don't see anything, but something feels wrong. As the thought crosses my mind, the head of the man on my left explodes. I react quickly, moving towards cover, dragging my second and completely stunned companion along. I toss him behind a bolder and reach for my shotgun.

I know it's a sniper. It dawns on me that we're screwed. We have the supplies to last for a week, but we are stuck out in the open behind the only cover for a hundred yards. Without knowing exactly where he or she is. They could move and take us out from another direction.

To make matters worse, my last companion is freaking out. He started crying, then shaking. Eyes still wide. I take a deep breath. For the moment we still have some time. I look at him, his stare is like he's begging me for answers. Like he wants me to just tell him what to do. I can't, and I wish I could.

Looking at him now, I recognize him. He's the one I knocked out, when all he wanted was a handshake. I pat his head. He was the youngest person to ever join me. I'd say he's, I would guess, the age I was when I started. he wipes his face and looks at me expectantly. I hold out my hand.

"Gary" I say.

He brightens slightly, although still scared and takes my hand, shaking firmly "Nick." He greets. "What do we do?" He finally asks his voice evening out, gaining a little more courage.

I sigh and look around to determine our situation better. The sun still being up made things even worse. It made trying anything difficult. I point at it and motion to it moving.

He nods understanding and relaxes now, knowing that I don't want to do anything yet.

I did want to find out where and how good this sniper is. So after a few hours, I dig through my pack taking out a box of Insta-Mash, and toss it out of the cover.

Pompous, They were still there. Shooting straight through the center of the small yellow and red box. The dry flakes exploding through the air and dispersing with the wind. If that was me, I wouldn't have wasted a bullet on a box and let my target know I still happen to be there.

I would have gave a false sense of hope and let them think it was safe. I've spent too long with the Talon Company. I've become a bit too cruel.


End file.
